I woke up this morning thinking that my baby had gotten into red marker. It was all over his hand and face.

I went to the office to see if the marker was still there, and it was. It sat cozy with the cap on in the right spot on the desk. Next I went into the living room, into the breakfast room and confirmed it wasn't a marker.

The baby had blood all over him.

There was a shattered glass on the hard wood floor.

My efforts to sleep in till a whole 8am on a Saturday led to a trip to the ER where they found nothing on X-ray and said anything that might be in there will probably just pass without a hitch.

It really bothers me that I didn't hear any of this, but to tell the truth, he was bleeding from his lip but he didn't cry at all. He just signed drink because he hadn't had his morning milk yet.

On top of that, my glasses are missing. I'm pretty sure, though this sounds impossible, they are down the toilet. Which might just be the same place the remote and both my wedding rings are.

I'm only going to say this once because I know how monotonous and annoying it gets to hear the same old story again and again. Winter and not being on meds sucks ass.

I've been staying up late at night. I lay in bed and my mind races over everything that could possibly happen- fragments of an imaginary life. I keep missing my dad at random moments. Sad music and sad movies makes me break down and cry.

I keep putting projects in front of myself to stay busy, but that can lead to overwhelming myself and feeling like a failure that the world has no use for. It's taken me a long time, but I think I am getting better about not being hard on myself when I don't get things done to my standard.

I do keep getting really depressed and I just deal with it. I can't shut down for days like I used to. I can't afford to really even close up shop for an hour. Aden needs me, the house needs me, my job needs me. I just have a lot of thoughts to field though at times.

I have the feeling I want to do something. I have this craving to be unstable. To mark myself in this manor. To just let people judge me at face value by something on my body instead of hiding behind who I've turned myself into to get along with the rest of the world. I'm so much deeper than that. I don't like to just live on the surface of things. It makes me sick and unsatisfiable to be in such environments so often. I'm just going to snap.

I picked up my camera today for the first time in two years and actually held it to my face and changed lenses to try and frame a picture. I don't know where my film is or if I gave it away. For the first time in forever I felt like going out and buying some and taking the task of taking one picture everyday for 2010. Just sum up all my feelings in just one frame.

That's manic for you. And it's beautiful. Just slowly beautiful and oh so appealing but so very deadly.

I just did my Christmas shopping. Online, of course. I am going to have to finish buying stuff for the fundraiser this week, too, so I'm literally broke.

I need someone to go shopping with. Mom is out of the question because she's "ill," so to speak. I don't want to get my sister cause she will just drive me nuts.

I still don't have tables for this weekend!

I just got a Santa Suit today- MIRACLE! I thought I was going to have to buy one. Thank god!

And Andrew is cooking for me- yay!

I just need to go buy table cloths, net lights, fabric for the back drop, and possibly ink cartridges to print photos. Plus the paper goods and picnic ware. And I want to make little centerpieces that have a construction paper stocking and the business cards of the donors :)

I had two people sign up to volunteer for that morning to help run food and such, so I'm not that worried about not having people. Plus a lot of Robin's "family" is going to help us :)

I also need to bake some casserole to serve as a side. I'm thinking broccoli, rice, and cheese and a hash brown casserole.

At some point this week I'm sure I will start freaking out, so I might need some help with that to.

Right now, I have birthday party number two under control. I just made my cake, need to start icing it. Pick-up the living room, vacuum and change into something nice.

Yea for things coming together ;)

A year ago I had just gotten off work. I was my last day of work before I started maternity leave. So I got home and I did the first thing I planned to do for the next two weeks- Sleep!

Aden was due on the 17th of December, so I figured I had a good week to go before I had to scramble to get into mommy mode for the rest of my life.

But that's not how it happened.

At all.

No rest for the wicked.

I woke up at 5 pm thinking my bladder leaked (at the point I had to potty every 5 minutes anyway, so this seemed perfectly plausible, although not my favorite lottery of outcomes).

I got up, groggy, went to the potty and then came to realize that I was in no way peeing.

My water broke.

Kinda scary when A, I'm not in labour, B, I'm technically due in two weeks (though I wasn't too worried about this one), and C, I had hope to hell I could get a hold of some one on the phone.

Thankfully it all worked out :)

I got to the hospital, they looked at all the stuff they look at... they couldn't tell if I was dilated. Any woman who knows what I'm talking about knows this is kind of a pain and embarrassing. I just started contracting. Very dully.

Long night of labour, that's all i thought was next. They are going to fill me full of oxytocin and get my going to a really long night of baby having.

But, then they did a "just in case" ultra sound.

The he was, this giant egg in my tummy, and there was two butt cheeks and two feet.

He was breach.

So after all this stuff about how I was going to have the longest labour ever, I had him at 8 o'clock that night while listening to the anesthesiologist's Ipod playing Coldplay and other great Indie music.

And we he was finally lifted up from behind the sheet and cleaned up, all I could say was how big his balls were.

Anyone know anyone with a Santa Suit?

As you know, we foster dogs at the dog daycare I work at. Mostly these dogs come from Indianapolis shelters with a wide variety of histories. While they are with us, they get exposed to a dog social life, and we get a chance to build their dog confidence before sending them off to a good forever-home. Most of these dogs were at high risk of being put down in our crowded Indianapolis shelter system.

While they stay with us they are fed, sterilized, vaccinated, micro-chipped, boarded, and sometimes require extra veterinary care. Many dogs develop pneumonia like illness from being in the shelter and under stress. Sometimes it's kennel cough, other times it's far more serious if not caught early.

All adoption fees are to help pay us back for the neuter, or a future neuter of the dog. That's about it. We eat the rest of the cost.

Every dog we have fostered has gone to loving home when it could have faced a more uncertain future at the pound.

So this Holiday season we are trying to do something special to raise money to help our foster dog program.

We will be offering pet-portraits with Santa, or in just a holiday setting, if preferred. We will also be hosting a "Breakfast with Santa" type event with hotcakes and juice.

I need to know if anyone would be interested in this event in general for Volunteering time, services, equipment, or other supplies.

Please contact me or call/email Lucky Dog Retreat.

I would prefer all Juice donations be the tubes of frozen juice. We are also in need of holiday decorations, I'm just not sure what yet. I will post a firm list as time goes on.

There is also talk about offering that day, December 13th, as a shopper's rescue day, where we will offer our Daycare services at a discounted rate. This is with the intention of letting your dog have a day off while you get some last minute holiday shopping in. If you not a current costumer, at the min we would need a copy of our required vaccinations and your signature on our liability form at the door that day.

Please please please don't hesitate to help in the smallest form. We will need help outside our staff to make this work and be a fun day for all! Any goods or time you can donate is money we don't have to spend. None of the money made that day will go into our business, all of it will go into paying vet bills and medications for these dogs! Our program provides needed socialization many of these dogs lack that put them in the shelter in the first place.

The balloon boy...
Vogue painting a white model black...

Who fucking cares anymore.

my house reeks like damp dog. I really hope I have time to resolve this today.

What the fuck is with the Microsoft corporate sponsorship on the front page?